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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." _________________________________________________________________ Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." ___________________________________________________________________ Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer" ____________________________________________________________________ A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _________________________________________________________________ Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" ____________________________________________________________ Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Ooops- am I driving ?" ____________________________________________________________ Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of
his friends REALLY late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where
there was a big brass gong. A very elderly gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady in her mid-80's. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?" _______________________________________________ An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" _______________________________________________ Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." _______________________________________________ Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy , isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "Me too, let's go get a beer." _______________________________________________ A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new "state-of-the-art" hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars. But, according to my audiologist, it's the best available." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." _______________________________________________ Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!" " The doctor said, "I didn't say that!" I said, "You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'" _______________________________________________ A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis!" _______________________________________________
"Tips for a Happy Marriage" by Red Skelton 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
7. She got a mud pack and looked
great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
10.
I haven't spoken to my wife in
18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. ============================================================================= A loaded van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tents. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up." =============================================================================
During a tour of Texas, the Pope
took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was
cruising along the beach in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic
commotion just off shore. Dear Tide: I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it ever since my Mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt. She started to berate me and accused me of having a drinking problem. One thing led to another, and I ended up with some of her blood on my shirt as well. I used liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out. They came out so well that the DNA tests were negative. I thank you, once again, for a great product. Well, gotta go, .I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people. A Satisfied Tide Customer =============================================================================
"When I die, I want to go like my great-aunt Thelma, who died peacefully in
her sleep-- not screaming like all the passengers in her car." =============================================================================
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in
the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes
them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. =============================================================================
=============================================================================
Saddam's Extended
Family: Now
that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the
lesser-known family members
are coming to the attention
of the media.
In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff." ============================================================================= MINNESOTA GHOST STORY This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally,
the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest
town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered
two shots of whiskey, and told everybody about his horrible,
supernatural experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they
realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk. One says
to the other, "Look Ole, dat's da guy vat rode in our car ven ve vas
pushin it in the rain." ============================================================================= A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair... try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker." =============================================================================
CHAPTER 1 -- THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You can't remember who sent you this list. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with elevator music. 16. Your eyes won't get much worse. 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18. Your joints are more accurate than meteorologists and the national weather service. 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
CHAPTER 2 -- GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're It. 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Simon says something incoherent. 6. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 7. Musical recliners.
CHAPTER 3 -- SIGNS OF WEAR
1. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 2. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 3. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 4. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 5. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 6. "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. 7. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. 8. An "all nighter" means not getting up to go to the bathroom. 9. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 10. A Phenobarbital dose that would wipe out the entire "Heaven's Gate" Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 11. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
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